Our friends from the other side of the 'pond' have a message for us!!!
To the citizens of the United States of America.
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt.
Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were
not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
Merde is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
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