Smart Stock Market Investing

* Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming,"The slug-men
  are coming!  The slug-men are coming!"

* Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of 
  several firms.  Go with the one with the most impressive ads.

* When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the
  right direction. (Note:  Also works in bowling.)

* Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in 
  your community?  You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth.

* Stock market losses are only losses on paper.  Use White-Out to your 

* Keep a close eye on Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy.  They may try to outfox
  you and your cold-hearted brother.

* Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from

* Many small, privately held companies are now issuing IPO's, often with 
  incredible success.  Among those rumored to be going public: 
  The West End Valu-Shopper, the Marzipan Bunny Sweet Shoppe, and

* Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them.
  When they go as high as they're going to go, sell them all.

* Take your screaming trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in 
  designer hand bags.

* If at all possible, start out with $80 million.  This will reduce both the 
  pressure on you and the risks involved.

* Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan.  If it doesn't, 
  consider working for another gas station.

* Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully
  weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you.

* Invest in your friend's band.  They rock.

* When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health
  is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one.  Then again, if you 
  understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any 
  more money.

Top |  Back | Home