* Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming,"The slug-men
are coming! The slug-men are coming!"
* Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of
several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads.
* When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the
right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.)
* Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in
your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth.
* Stock market losses are only losses on paper. Use White-Out to your
advantage.
* Keep a close eye on Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy. They may try to outfox
you and your cold-hearted brother.
* Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from
magazines.
* Many small, privately held companies are now issuing IPO's, often with
incredible success. Among those rumored to be going public:
The West End Valu-Shopper, the Marzipan Bunny Sweet Shoppe, and
www.geocities.com/Chadspage/favekornpics.html.
* Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them.
When they go as high as they're going to go, sell them all.
* Take your screaming trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in
designer hand bags.
* If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the
pressure on you and the risks involved.
* Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't,
consider working for another gas station.
* Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully
weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you.
* Invest in your friend's band. They rock.
* When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health
is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you
understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any
more money.
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