* Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming,"The slug-men are coming! The slug-men are coming!" * Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads. * When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.) * Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth. * Stock market losses are only losses on paper. Use White-Out to your advantage. * Keep a close eye on Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy. They may try to outfox you and your cold-hearted brother. * Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from magazines. * Many small, privately held companies are now issuing IPO's, often with incredible success. Among those rumored to be going public: The West End Valu-Shopper, the Marzipan Bunny Sweet Shoppe, and www.geocities.com/Chadspage/favekornpics.html. * Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them. When they go as high as they're going to go, sell them all. * Take your screaming trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in designer hand bags. * If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the pressure on you and the risks involved. * Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't, consider working for another gas station. * Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you. * Invest in your friend's band. They rock. * When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any more money.
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