Ken And Barbie Write To Santa

Barbie's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

    Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and
dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties.  I hate to break it to ya',
Santa, but it's pay back time. There had better be some changes around here,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna
be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring
me GI JOE.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy
toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway?  HULLO!?!

4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that
actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is
anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.

6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make real money.

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of
   cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of
    the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, 
    I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find
    yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,



Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for
changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career
changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were
made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to
take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well
as some of my own needs and desires:

First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the  preferential treatment she has received over the years.  That
bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy,
have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do
not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited
wardrobe, obviously designed to complement (but never upstage) Ms. Barbie.
My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I
protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature.
Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon
Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other  venues which could be considered are: "Go-Go
Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken."
These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up
markets that have been under served.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would
also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the
needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action
to be taken by myself and others.

And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at
least that's what he said last night.


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