These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe": * Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly. * Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex. * Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat. * Under no circumstances should you give CPR to a stranger. * Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood. * Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm." * Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina. * Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you. * Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use. * Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic; use them to make paper-mache genital wrap. * Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?" * Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape. * You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact. * To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms. * Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs. * If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.
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