Blowjob Etiquette

For men as stated by a woman:

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard
   practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule ?3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really
   WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
   your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
   particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex 
   right now.
9. Extension to ?8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if
   you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
    I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,
    watch TV, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you 
    would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
    origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're
    good at it. See also rule 2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
    protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink,
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs
    often enough, keep your mouth shut.  It is inappropriate to either
    sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
    it good morning".

Man's reply to Woman's BJ Etiquette...

1.  First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find
    someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2.  Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
    than licking a dead fish
3.  You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
4.  I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful
    I'm not pulling your hair.
5.  If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you
    won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your
    teeth...because you won't have any.
6.  Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath we would
    stick around afterward.
7.  When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only
    way to stop you from bitching & moaning.
8.  Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need
    all the fluids you can get, trust me.
9.  You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the
    shit end of the stick in flavor country.
10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
11. Play with the balls
12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our
    friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.
15. Make hay when the sun shines.  It's "wide awake" in the morning now, 
    but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, 
    gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
16. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your
    face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

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