Holy Bagel

A certain Jewish gentleman was having a run of very bad luck. (I won't bore
everybody with the FULL details, but suffice it to say that his wife was
divorcing him, his Mother-in-law was foreclosing on the mortgage on his
house, his car was re-possessed, and his daughter was getting her name 
changed. Not to mention the fact that his business was in the process 
of going bankrupt.)   He decided to end it all and went to the kitchen 
to find a carving knife with which to slash his wrists.  Just as he was 
about to carry out this grisly task he realized he was hungry so he 
opened the refrigerator (No sense dying on an empty stomach) and took
out a bagel, sliced it in half and buttered it.

He was just in the process of transferring it to his mouth when it slipped
out of his hand somersaulted several times and landed on the kitchen floor

As his kitchen was carpeted with a lovely bit of $100 a yard cloth of gold,
he realized that there must be some extreme significance to this apparently
random fluke of Nature and so, putting his self-destruction plans on "hold",
he grabbed his hat and coat and raced off to the synagogue where he
breathlessly related the whole story to the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, d'you think it's a sign from God that my luck is going to change?
Please Rabbi, tell me the meaning of the sign!"

The Rabbi regarded him carefully and responded thus: "My Son, I must consult
the Holy Books. I must discuss this with the learned Men. Put $100 in the
collection for the poor and come back on Tuesday, when all will be revealed."

He did as he was asked and walked home a lighter and somewhat happier man.
Now he was on tenterhooks until Tuesday. He couldn't sleep wondering about
the significance of the Bagel which defied the Law of Selective Gravity. The
hours dragged past slowly until finally Tuesday morning arrived and he rushed 
once more to the synagogue.

"Rabbi! Rabbi! You remember me! The man with the bad luck and the bagel.
Tell me, Rabbi, have you solved the significance of the sign?"

"My Son, I have consulted the Holy Books and the Ancient Wisdom, I have
discussed at great length with the learned men what happened with the bagel,
and I am sure we have reached the meaning of the sign."

"Tell me Rabbi! Tell me!"

"You buttered it on the wrong side, you Schmuck!"

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