The 5 Questions




The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).  Therefore, as a public 
service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible 
Responses.

Question #1:  What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been 
pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are,and how lucky I am 
to have met you."  This response obviously bears no resemblance 
to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:

 a. Baseball.
 b. Football.
 c. How fat you are.
 d. How much prettier she is than you.
 e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy,who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was 
thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question #2:  Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed 
answer is in order, "Yes, dear."  Inappropriate responses include:

 a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
 b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
 c. That depends on what you mean by love.
 d. Does it matter?
 e. Who, me?

Question #3:  Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"  
Among the incorrect answers are:

 a. Compared to what?
 b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
 c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
 d. I've seen fatter.
 e. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking
    about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4:  Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:

 a. Yes, but you have a better personality
 b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
 c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
 d. Define pretty
 e. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking
    about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5:  What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is 
"Buy a Corvette and a Boat").   No matter how you answer this, 
be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually 
along the these lines:

WOMAN:  Would you get married again?
  MAN:  Definitely not!
WOMAN:  Why not-don't you like being married?
  MAN:  Of course I do.
WOMAN:  Then why wouldn't you remarry?
  MAN:  Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN:  You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN:  Would you sleep with her in our bed?
  MAN:  Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN:  Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
        pictures of her?
  MAN:  That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN:  And would you let her use my golf clubs?
  MAN:  She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN:  - - - silence - - -
  MAN:  oh shit.



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