Life's Tough

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there,
the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says
you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask
me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd
like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and
replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he
said, "Do I know you?"

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above
me are furious.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above
so I never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.  But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer,
but I wasn't going to be out that long."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your
honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the
entire area was missing.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it
looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information.  "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my
socks." She said, "They're behind the couch."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on
and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only
stutter in Spanish.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child . . . eventually.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go
so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?