I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. You can't have everything...where would you put it? I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?" I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long." One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go." The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually. Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. What's another word for Thesaurus?