Bar Jokes

      A plate of spaghetti walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm
sorry, we  don't serve food here."
      A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A drunk at the
bar looks  up and says "Where did you get that pig?" The lady barks back
at the drunk  saying "That's not a pig, that's a duck!". The drunk says
"I wasn't talking  to you, I was talking to the duck."
      A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long
      A man walks into a bar and boasts, "I'm a wine expert.  I can tell
you  everything about a wine just by tasting it."  The bartender decides
to test  him.  After blindfolding the wine expert, the bartender pours
him a glass of  red wine.  The wine expert tastes it and says, "Ah, this
is a French Chateau  Lafitte-Pierre, '92, harvested during a slight
drought, and the grapes were  crushed by a man wearing striped trousers
and bifocals."  Impressed, the  bartender offers him a second glass of
wine. "This is an Italian wine, a Pinot  Grigio, '94, a small vineyard
near the coast, and the grapes were harvested  during the full moon." 
The testing goes on and on, with the expert offering  more and more
details about each wine he tastes.  The bartender becomes  irritated and
decides to play a trick on the wine expert. Hurrying outside, he  fills
a glass with urine from his horse, then rushes back into the bar and 
offers it to the wine expert.  The wine expert tastes it, then spits it
out.  "Ptoo! Ugh! This is nothing but urine!"  The bartender  replies,
"Yeah, but whose?"
      A termite walks into a saloon and says "Is the bar tender here?"
      Guy walks into a bar, puts his briefcase on the bar, orders a
shot.  Asks  the bartender if he can have a tiny shot poured into a
bottle cap for his little  buddy, and he opens his briefcase to show a
foot-high man, alive, sitting at a piano playing tunes.  The bartender
is amazed and asks "where  did you find this guy?"  The customer points
to a magic lantern also in his  briefcase and said, "I made a wish to
the genie in this lantern."
The bartender is thrilled and asks if he can make a wish and the guy
says  sure, so the bartender rubs the lantern, a genie comes out, and
asks, "What  is your wish?"  The bartender says, "I wish I had a million
In a flash, the bar is filled with ducks, packed floor to ceiling with
must  be a million squawking ducks.  The bartender screams "DUCKS!  I
      A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry we
don't serve  your kind. The mushroom says, "Why not I'm a fungi."  (
pronounced - fun  guy)
      A rope walks into a bar and sits down on a barstool.  The
bartender looks at  him and says "What can I get you"?  The rope replies
"Scotch on the rocks".
 As the bartender serves the drink, he looks at the rope more closely
and says "Hey, aren't you a rope?", and the rope answers to the
 The bartender's voice hardens, saying "Get out of here, we don't allow
ropes in  this establishment!".  The rope gets up and slinks out into
the hall.
 Regaining his courage, the rope walks back in to the bar, orders
another drink, and is again kicked out by the bartender.  The rope walks
into the  men's room, a little rope tear rolling down his face.  He
sadly grabs the  end of his tuft, making the little rope fibers go every
which way, and curls  himself up into a few loops. Thus composed, the
rope walks back into the bar  and sits down.  The bartender asks what he
wants to drink, and he says  "Scotch on the rocks".  When the bartender
comes back with the drink, he  looks at the rope and says "Hey, aren't
you that damned rope that keeps  coming back in here!?" and the rope
looks him in the eye and says "No, I'm a  frayed knot."
      Grasshopper walks into the bar.  The bartender "Don't we have a
drink named  after you?" and he winks to the grasshopper.  The
Grasshopper looks  surprised and replies, "You have a drink named
      A drunk walked into a bar. told the bartender to give everyone in
the bar a  drink including himself and he'd take the tab.  the bartender
did it, handed  the drunk the tab, and the drunk said, "ha ha ha, I
don't have any money."  so the bartender slapped him and threw him out. 
Next day the same thing  happened.  Again the bartender slapped him and
threw him out.  On the third  day of this, the drunk said "give everyone
here a drink and give me the  tab."
The bartender asked the drunk if he was going to buy him a drink
tonight,  and the drunk says ," no, you get violent when you drink."
      A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll take a shot of bourbon and
put it on  my bill..."