Bart Simpson

These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the chalkboard
exercises during the opening credits:

  I will not carve gods.
  I will not spank others.
  I will not aim for the head.
  I will not barf unless I'm sick.
  I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
  I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
  I will not conduct my own fire drills.
  Funny noises are not funny.
  I will not snap bras.
  I will not fake seizures.
  This punishment is not boring and pointless.
  My name is not Dr. Death.
  I will not defame New Orleans.
  I will not prescribe medication.
  I will not bury the new kid.
  I will not teach others to fly.
  I will not bring sheep to class
  A burp is not an answer.
  Teacher is not a leper.
  Coffee is not for kids.
  I will not eat things for money.
  I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
  The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
  I will not call the principal "spud head".
  Goldfish don't bounce.
  Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
  No one is interested in my underpants.
  I will not sell miracle cures.
  I will return the seeing-eye dog.
  I do not have diplomatic immunity.
  I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
  I will never win an Emmy.
  The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
  All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
  I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
  I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
  My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
  I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
  I am not deliciously saucy.
  Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
  The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
  I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
  There are plenty of businesses like show business.
  I will not re-transmit without the express permission of
  Major Lea*ball.
  Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
  I will not waste chalk.
  I will not skateboard in the halls.
  I will not instigate revolution.
  I will not draw naked ladies in class.
  I did not see Elvis.
  I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
  Garlic gum is not funny.
  They are laughing at me, not with me.
  I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
  I will not encourage others to fly.
  I will not fake my way through life.
  Tar is not a plaything.
  I will not Xerox my butt.
  It's potato, not potatoe.
  I will not trade pants with others.
  I am not a 32 year old woman.
  I will not do that thing with my tongue.
  I will not drive the principal's car.
  I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
  I will not sell school property.
  I will not burp in class.
  I will not cut corners.
  I will not get very far with this attitude.
  I will not belch the National Anthem.
  I will not sell land in Florida.
  I will not grease the monkey bars.
  I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
  I will not do anything bad ever again.
  I will not show off.
  I will not sleep through my education.
  I am not a dentist.
  Spitwads are not free speech.
  Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
  High explosives and school don't mix.
  I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
  I will not squeak chalk.
  I will finish what I sta
  "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
  Underwear should be worn on the inside.
  The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
  I will not torment the emotionally frail.