ACTUAL Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins:

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
      David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
   of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
   milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
   sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
   All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister
   in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
    and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the
    ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation
    will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray tha
    cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
    carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
    they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
    Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
    Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
    several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
    sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is
    preparing for the girth of their first child.
22) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
    recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
23) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
    green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
24) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
    slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."