menu options for the mental health clinic

-If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 over and over and over again

-If you are multiple personality, touch 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8

-If you are hysterical, don't touch any buttons whatsoever, something 
 terrible might happen

-If you are bipolar, touch 1, then 9

-If you are schizophrenic, don't touch any buttons, a little voice will 
 tell you what to do

-If you are a paranoid, there is no need to touch any buttons, we know who 
 you are, we know where you live, and we will be coming to get you very soon

-If you are a psychopath, rip the cord out of the wall, and run away with 
 the phone

-If you are an anal-retentive psychopath, take the phone apart.  Place 
 each piece in a plastic bag.  Tape each plastic bag tightly shut.  Place 
 all the plastic bags into a large, brown paper bag, which you then place 
 in the southeast corner of your freezer.

-If you are depressed, do no touch any buttons, it wouldn't do any good 

-If you are manic, touch as many buttons as you can as fast as possible

-If you are a narcissist, touch yourself