Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face
Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action: Turn glass other way so that *open* end points towards ceiling!

Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and
demand a beer as compensation!

Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass
Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor swaying
Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar
Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt

Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!
Fault: You have fallen over backwards
Action: If your glass is full -- and no one is standing on your drinking arm -- stay put and carry on. If not, get someone
to help you up; attach self to bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen forwards
Action: See above

Symptom: Everything has gone dark
Fault: The pub is closed
Action: Panic!!!

Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter
Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!