Storys from in-duh-viduals

Some DRNC Pranks
Stolen from the Dilbert Newsletter

- Fill a whiteboard in a conference room with technobabble
  charts that mean absolutely nothing and write "Do Not
  Erase" on it.

- Set a pager to vibrate and then sew it into the padding of
  an Induhvidual's chair. Call the pager often.

- During an office move, have all of your fellow DNRC
  members pack one box apiece with their discarded junk.
  Label the junk boxes with the address of your favorite

- When your boss calls you on the speaker phone, skip
  every third word when you talk.

- Collect page-separators from print jobs with various user's
  names and then combine them with controversial printouts of
  your own devising.  Leave them in the printer for the next
  person to discover.

- Video Conference Pranks:

   Arrange with everyone in the room to freeze and quit
   talking all at the same moment.

   Look directly into the camera and move your lips as if
   speaking, but make no noise.

   Have someone off-camera talk while someone of the
   opposite sex lip-syncs on-camera.

Induhvidual Sightings

The sightings in this section come from DNRC operatives from across the


The Times newspaper (UK) recently carried a story about a taxi driver
from Brighton who has spent the last 6 years of his leisure time writing
out the numbers from one to a
million by hand in order to get into the Guinness Book Of Records.

When the compiler came round to check, he informed the man that he will
need to do it again, as "they have to be written in words, not digits."

[Editor's note: I assume the taxi driver was forcibly relocated to a nearby
city named Not-Too-Brighton.]

So There!

I work with an Iduhvidual who is notorious for leaving work early. A
couple of his "friends" decided to pull a prank on him by constructing a
spreadsheet showing the hours he worked for the last 6 months. The
fictional spreadsheet showed
he averaged 35.6 hours a week (although he's required to work 40). The
spreadsheet was enclosed in a company interoffice envelope with a note
saying he owes the company 260 hours of
flex time.

After this Iduhvidual received the note, he got angry and
created his own spreadsheet of actual hours that he had been tracking
himself. He went straight to the boss to prove that the company was
wrong. His data shows he worked an average of
36.8 hours a week -- not 35.6!

Wrong Store:

I work at a computer retail store. Recently a customer asked a strange
question:  "Do you have mouse pads for women?"

(Editor:  supply your own joke here)

Don't Ever Change

I needed to make a phone call while at the library. When I asked for
change at the counter, I was told that they didn't give change for the
phone, only for the copy machine. So I asked for change for the copy
machine and she gave it to me.

Wrong Number:

An Induhvidual went to the hospital emergency room. After seeing the
doctor and taking medication, he went to the nurse's station to call home
for a ride.  He asked a nurse how to get an outside line to which she
responded, "Pound

Thinking the nine button must be sticking, the Induhvidual pushed nine
hard and dialed the number. He then got a recording that the call couldn't
be completed. He asked again, received the same answer, dialed the
same number and got the same recording.

Frustrated, he asked the nurse a third time how to get an outside line.
Clearly irritated, she answered through her teeth, "I told you, POUND
NINE!" to which he replied, "OKAY!", balled up his fist and smashed the

[Editor's Note: Some readers might think this story is an urban legend and
that's probably true.  But it doesn't mean that Induhviduals aren't having
this exact confusion everyday.  This is why I never serve pound cake at
my house.]

Just the Fax, Ma'am:

This conversation actually happened.

Induhvidual: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine"?

DNRC member:  "A little.  What's wrong?"

Induhvidual: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she
received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the
same thing happened."

DNRC member: How did you load the sheet?"

Induhvidual: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to
read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and
read it."

Group Fax:

A paralegal was given her duties the Monday she was hired. Among
other things, she was responsible for sending out frequent faxes. She
was fired on Wednesday when they discovered that because she didn't
like using the fax machine, she was saving the faxes to send out all at
the same time--once a week, on Friday.

She was indignant because she couldn't see what they were so upset


A clerk at a register in a computer store was questioned as to why a
14.4 fax-modem costs over $400. The Induhvidual clerk seriously studied
the box and replied, "Well, it also has data."

Class Dismissed

I handed out problem set solutions in the class I teach. One girl
immediately took out a highlighter and highlighted the title "Problem Set
Solutions" and the various headings "Problem 1,"  "Problem 2," etc.

I fear that someday she will manage the top students in this class.

Stranded Motorist

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door
unlocker -- now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a
distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys
to me.

As I took the key and _manually_ unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries -- it's a long walk."