DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are
going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.x Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot
like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that
it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you
are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no
apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too. Advertises that it's cans won't explode when you open them, even
if you shake them up. The manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that over 10 Million six-packs have been sold.
And the people say: "Not always, but always often!"
Windows 95 Beer:
The newest beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and
claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but
tastes like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will
probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows
95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at
the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and
Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely
new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can
looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change
the can to look like Windows 95 Beer's, after Windows 95 Beer starts
shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested
only for use in bars.
UNIX Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz.
Drinkers on UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes
the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have
your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been
drinking UNIX Beer for several years...
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked
up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.
This beer never really sold very well, because the original
manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer
fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a
16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was
originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design
hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of
this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure
development environments... When you call the manufacturer for the list
of ingredients, you're told that it is proprietary and referred to an
unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumours are that
this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a
tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
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