True Stories of Induhviduals

Those whacky Induhviduals continue to amuse.  Here are some more true
sighting submitted by DNRC operatives, edited to conceal the identities
of the guilty.


Sign in a gas station:  Coke -- 49 cents.  Two for a dollar


True conversation with an airline:

DNRC Member:  "I'm traveling on your airline next week and
              I need to carry on some equipment.  What is
              the maximum size of luggage I can bring with

Airline Rep:  "62 inches."

DNRC Member:  (puzzled) "That's just one number.  I have a
              3-dimensional object I want to carry on."

Airline Rep:  (suspiciously) " SAY you have a 3-
              dimensional object?"

The conversation did not improve after that.


Induhvidual Sighting:

(I got six versions of this story.)

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit
card.  She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that
it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with
the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck would have it,
they matched.


Warning to All Induhviduals:

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit
card/bank card readers at the checkout stands.  If you don't know how to
orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will
say, "Strip down, face toward me."

Editor's Note:  Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?


Induhvidual Sighting:

A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda."
The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't
have small, just medium and large."  (Both cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed
business type (boss?), disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess
I'll just have to have the medium then."


Induhviduals Display Their General Knowledge:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described
the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.  My boss said, "Really?
Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"


Advice for Induhviduals:

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees."

     "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate
     your eyes."


Induhviduals Leverage Their Synergies:

The managers got together and decided that the problem with our
department was that it needed a new name. They met several times,
amounting to hundreds of work hours spent.  In the end they changed the
name from "Information Technology" to "Technology and Information."

Editor's Note:  Good move.  That should eliminate that feeling of doom
pervading the staff.


Induhviduals Helping Induhviduals:

Overheard in the office supply megastore, a man asks a store clerk,
"Where can I buy some JPEG?"  The store clerk directed the customer to
the Service Department.


Induhviduals in the Neighborhood

I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:  Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross there.


Induhviduals and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers.  One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys have a
fire downtown?"


Induhviduals Are Easy To Please

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her that the
amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.  needless to
say, she was very disappointed.


Induhviduals In Food Services

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the Induhvidual behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce."  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.


Induhviduals Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her
for the holidays.  Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she
paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am,
that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat...  So every year
that you age, she only ages half a year?"  My co-worker thought about
that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."


Careers For Induhviduals:

At a stoplight, an Induhvidual turned to me and pondered,
"I wonder how much money those men in the booths make?"

"What men in the booths?" I replied (noting no booths
were in view).

"YOU KNOW, the ones who work for the government and watch
the stoplights. That way, when a car comes to an intersection
that isn't busy, they turn the light green for that car."

I told her the salary was quite high and maybe she should go and apply;
the government is always looking for intelligent people.


Induhviduals Eliminate The Middle Man:

Here's an example of a shortened production cycle gone too far:

We were already months behind on shipping dates for the
new release of our product.  Our credibility with a major
customer seemed as low as it could get.

This customer was giving a major demo to some internal brass and their
clients, for which we put together a rush shipment of new, fully equipped

The workstations were prepped, tested, packed and put on a truck,
which took them directly to our salvage facility, where
they were destroyed.


Induhvidual Hotelecommutes:

My company flew a database administrator across the country to
support an installation.  When he got there, he decided he could
support the release just as well from his hotel room so he did not
bother going into the office.


Practical Jokes for the office

This practical joke report is from a field operative.

        1) Dial a number you KNOW is disconnected.
        2) Quickly, while it's still ringing, forward
        the call to an Induhvidual.
        3) Hang up.
        4) The phone on his (her) desk will ring, and all
        he will hear is "The number you have reached is
        not in service...."

Someone pulled this joke on my boss while I was in a meeting
with him. He screamed into the receiver "What do you mean the f***ing
number is not a working number?! You called ME, B***h! Then he slammed
the phone down.

It was all I could do to keep the look of total innocence and incredulity
on my face.