1. Photocopy an entire dictionary and fax it to the CFO. 2. Call phone-sex numbers and transfer the calls at random. 3. "Accidentally" send a personal e-mail to the entire company voicing your disapproval of your boss's constant reference to the CEO as an "ugly, stupid, lazy, spineless pussy". 4. Write a coworker's initials in White-Out on the photocopier. 5. Schedule a series of important departmental meetings and forget to show up to them. 6. Send blank sheets of paper via interoffice mail. (Marked "urgent" and "confidential", of course.) Remember to send a few to the mailroom; they'll especially get a kick out of it. 7. Replace a commonly-accessed file on the computer network with a scanned image of your ass. (An updated version of an old classic.) 8. Anonymously post quotes from Adolph Hitler on a company bulletin board. (Quotes about "team spirit" can be particularly inspiring.) 9. Adulterate other people's lunches: take bites out of sandwiches, sprinkle bacon bits in vegetarians' salads (also works well with Orthodox Jews), and spike the thermos of iced tea with grain alcohol. 10. See how long you can hide a paper bag full of tuna fish in the back of the refrigerator before someone notices it. (Writing someone else's name on the bag goes without saying.) 11. Put a paper bag full of your own feces in the microwave and leave it cooking on high. 12. Page someone over the company intercom with the message "Your sex-therapist is on the line and wants to reschedule the appointment." 13. Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them. 14. Draw a flip-cartoon of a man running on the bottom of every notepad in the office supply closet. 15. Hide in the supply closet and scare people when they open the door. 16. Put a fake rubber hand in your sleeve, and when a secretary walks by, stick the hand in a paper shredder and scream. 17. When someone is at lunch, use their computer to e-mail a 200 megabyte database file to everyone in the company. The e-mail's subject, of course, should contain at least one vulgarity. 18. Misfile. 19. Hire a temp to do your job for you. 20. Submit letters of resignation for other employees. 21. Conduct all correspondence with your friend in the next office via Federal Express early-morning next-day delivery. 22. Submit a written complaint to the human resources department that, in your opinion, your boss spends a little too much time looking at pornography. 23. Tape a sign to a female employee's back that says "I've been sexually harassed." 24. Tape a sign to a female employee's back that says "Will fuck for promotions." 25. Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often. 26. Hire a stripper for the office Christmas party. 27. Send counterfeit memos from the company president, politely letting employees know that they've been fired and must clear out their offices and leave the building immediately. 28. Covertly replace people's PowerPoint presentations with "director's cut" versions, containing a nice dose of nudity and misleading bar graphs. 29. Report rumors daily via the bathroom wall. 30. Pull a fire alarm while someone is in the bathroom. 31. Make sure your expense report contains at least one reference to the "client meeting" at the "gentleman's club". 32. Whenever a coworker makes a mistake, offer them the opportunity to "help you out" in exchange for you not reporting the mistake to their boss. 33. Sneak into the conference room before the next major meeting and place nametags in front of each of the seats. Assign black people to one side of the table and white people to the other. 34. Sew a tag containing a coworker's name into a jockstrap or bra, and leave it on the center of a conference table before a meeting. (Small sizes of these garments improve performance of the prank.) 35. Post a list of the communists in your company on a conspicuous bulletin board. If you're not sure who the communists are, take your best guess. 36. Take a stack of resumes from the recruitment department and schedule some interviews for fictional, but high-paying, positions. 37. Post your boss's telephone number to the alt.sex.prostitution discussion group. 38. Shoot a cap gun, bang some pots and pans, scream into a megaphone, or do whatever else it takes to have an enjoyable surprise birthday party for the senile old bastard that no one has the guts to fire. 39. Suggest to the human resources manager that the company picnic be replaced by a "fun day giving back to society", volunteering at a recycling center, soup kitchen, or drug rehab center. Increase your chances of success by making the suggestion in a crowded elevator. 40. Hand an envelope to the new guy and ask him to deliver the "cancellation of pension" memo to the sixty-four year old mailroom clerk. 41. See how many funerals in a row you can get away with leaving work early for. 42. Wallpaper your office with pictures of Christ. And finally: 43. Respond to every request by your boss with the phrase "I would prefer not to."
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