- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." - You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY. - You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. - For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. - You don't know what a moon pie is. - You've never had grain alcohol. - You've never, ever, eaten okra. - You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. - You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. - You have no idea what a polecat is. - Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head. - You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. - You don't have bangs. - You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. - You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. - Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. - You don't think Howard Stern has an accent. - You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show. - You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. - You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. - The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway. - You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. - The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. - You call binoculars opera glasses. - You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. - You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. - You don't know what applique is. - You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob) - You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. - You've never been to a craft show. - You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. - You can't do your laundry without quarters. - None of your fur coats are homemade.
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