A plate of spaghetti walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here." A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A drunk at the bar looks up and says "Where did you get that pig?" The lady barks back at the drunk saying "That's not a pig, that's a duck!". The drunk says "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck." A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?" A man walks into a bar and boasts, "I'm a wine expert. I can tell you everything about a wine just by tasting it." The bartender decides to test him. After blindfolding the wine expert, the bartender pours him a glass of red wine. The wine expert tastes it and says, "Ah, this is a French Chateau Lafitte-Pierre, '92, harvested during a slight drought, and the grapes were crushed by a man wearing striped trousers and bifocals." Impressed, the bartender offers him a second glass of wine. "This is an Italian wine, a Pinot Grigio, '94, a small vineyard near the coast, and the grapes were harvested during the full moon." The testing goes on and on, with the expert offering more and more details about each wine he tastes. The bartender becomes irritated and decides to play a trick on the wine expert. Hurrying outside, he fills a glass with urine from his horse, then rushes back into the bar and offers it to the wine expert. The wine expert tastes it, then spits it out. "Ptoo! Ugh! This is nothing but urine!" The bartender replies, "Yeah, but whose?" A termite walks into a saloon and says "Is the bar tender here?" Guy walks into a bar, puts his briefcase on the bar, orders a shot. Asks the bartender if he can have a tiny shot poured into a bottle cap for his little buddy, and he opens his briefcase to show a foot-high man, alive, sitting at a piano playing tunes. The bartender is amazed and asks "where did you find this guy?" The customer points to a magic lantern also in his briefcase and said, "I made a wish to the genie in this lantern." The bartender is thrilled and asks if he can make a wish and the guy says sure, so the bartender rubs the lantern, a genie comes out, and asks, "What is your wish?" The bartender says, "I wish I had a million bucks." In a flash, the bar is filled with ducks, packed floor to ceiling with must be a million squawking ducks. The bartender screams "DUCKS! I SAID BUCKS! BUCKS! IS THIS GENIE DEAF OR SOMETHING?" The customer screams, 'YOU DIDN'T THINK I ASKED FOR A TWELVE-INCH PIANIST DID YOU?" A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind. The mushroom says, "Why not I'm a fungi." ( pronounced - fun guy) A rope walks into a bar and sits down on a barstool. The bartender looks at him and says "What can I get you"? The rope replies "Scotch on the rocks". As the bartender serves the drink, he looks at the rope more closely and says "Hey, aren't you a rope?", and the rope answers to the affirmative. The bartender's voice hardens, saying "Get out of here, we don't allow ropes in this establishment!". The rope gets up and slinks out into the hall. Regaining his courage, the rope walks back in to the bar, orders another drink, and is again kicked out by the bartender. The rope walks into the men's room, a little rope tear rolling down his face. He sadly grabs the end of his tuft, making the little rope fibers go every which way, and curls himself up into a few loops. Thus composed, the rope walks back into the bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he wants to drink, and he says "Scotch on the rocks". When the bartender comes back with the drink, he looks at the rope and says "Hey, aren't you that damned rope that keeps coming back in here!?" and the rope looks him in the eye and says "No, I'm a frayed knot." Grasshopper walks into the bar. The bartender "Don't we have a drink named after you?" and he winks to the grasshopper. The Grasshopper looks surprised and replies, "You have a drink named 'Steve'?" A drunk walked into a bar. told the bartender to give everyone in the bar a drink including himself and he'd take the tab. the bartender did it, handed the drunk the tab, and the drunk said, "ha ha ha, I don't have any money." so the bartender slapped him and threw him out. Next day the same thing happened. Again the bartender slapped him and threw him out. On the third day of this, the drunk said "give everyone here a drink and give me the tab." The bartender asked the drunk if he was going to buy him a drink tonight, and the drunk says ," no, you get violent when you drink." A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll take a shot of bourbon and put it on my bill..."